I've had a tough past couple of weeks on a whole set of levels, most of which I'll pass over fairly quickly for your sake.

By the way, thank you for being so patient with "Guarding What We Love and Live For"...it's been flitting around in my head amidst many, many, MANY ideas all at once. The fact I STILL have fans still astounds me.

But back to the stuff.

First, I've had a bit of a spiritual...[i]thing[/i] happen. No, not the supernatural stuff I indulge in all the time, though it's similar. I've had a lot of really close calls with horrible stuff and, well, I had nowhere else to turn to for some things. I guess you could say the Big Guy/Girl Upstairs came through for me on a lot of levels and though I'm still on an "I'm avoiding saying God outright" basis, you could say I at least know (S)He is looking out for me.

I nearly starved...like [i]REALLY[/i] starved. I hadn't eaten enough for long enough that I just about passed out at work. I attributed it to stress til I realized it was lack of food. I thought I wouldn't get my old job back but I finally went without enough food long enough to swallow my pride and ask for my job back, if only on a partial level just to get the free food as part of the perks. I got it back and not only got it back, but got a shift right then and there, ate to fullness for the first time in weeks, ran into my mentor AND met up with my ex-girlfriend whom I still have feelings for (that I think are reciprocated) ALL IN THE SAME DAY. Yeah, I'd say that's intervention. I needed all of that and was at the end of my rope. No amount of friendly support could have saved me. I needed something...no...someONE else with more power over my life and I finally caved and prayed.

GASP...Tom PRAYED? Yeah. I did.

And I see what happens when it gets answered.

I won't start converting back to Catholicism or start praising Lawd JEEZUS anytime soon, but I guess my faith has been restored.

Now, more stuff. My academics had suffered a little from my whole experience with starvation but I'm recovering in that category too.

My grandmother just started her radiation therapy and I'm being coerced into taking both the H1N1 and seasonal flu vaccines because I'll be around her and her white blood cell count is low enough that I could kill her if I brought a disease like that home for Thanksgiving. I'll do that when I have money.

Yeah...

But the reason for the title is the little epiphany I had. I had been working and working on my classes, always working toward my degree and I asked myself, "Is this worth it?"

This is in the wake of a good friend who just dropped out because it got too hard for her (I won't say her name).

I realized when I was talking about my ambitions post-graduation and I realized this:

"Holy SHIT. I'm about to do what I've dreamed of doing for years! I am about to teach my own classes. ON MY OWN. I'm about to be a teacher!"

Those who know me know I've operated on a little adage of my own: "If you do what you love and love what you do, you're successful regardless of what your paycheck tells you."

I'm realizing just how true that is now. It renewed me. It is sustaining me more than anything else.

Don't think it's replacing the invaluable support of my good friends or my family. Those two categories have been my rock and foundation for so long I don't know what I'd do without them. I love y'all.

Incidentally, the man whom I regard as one of my best friends in the whole world is in Ft. Benning, GA in Basic Training for the Army. I didn't like it to begin with but I'm realizing he's doing what he thinks is what he's going to love. Now I'm not sure "Killing people and following orders" is quite satisfactory, but I gotta say, from the horror stories I've heard from a certain Blonde Wonder Girl (You know who you are.) I'm pretty proud of him sticking it through.

You'll hear his name one day (and it better not be in an obituary)--Jon Chasteler. Remember it--the sonuvabitch is destined for greatness somehow. Not sure what, but I know him well enough to know that he'll stubborn his way to greatness. Lord knows he's thickheaded enough. I love the guy to death and couldn't help at least singing his praises once. Certain parties know the real meaning behind the following words but I can't help but say them.

"The Three M's will live on. I'll certainly make sure of that."

But yeah, I gotta get back to pretending to work on studying for my midterm tomorrow then sleep.

Tata for now!